We live in a society that has filled our brains with ridiculous, biased messages about aging. It’s scary and bad to grow older. You are ‘less than.’ You lose a step intellectually. You don’t enjoy vibrant sex lives. You’re lonely. “Oh you’re out waterskiing at 90?,” people will say, “That’s so cute!”
I had a beautiful mentor, and people would always say to her, “You look good for 89.” And my friend would say: “Oh, thank you! You look good for your age, too. By the way, this is what 89 looks like.’”
As a gerontologist for 30 years I’ve dedicated my career to studying the ways that bias creeps into our behavior around older adults, and the price we all pay for that. We get so many things wrong about older people. While issues like loneliness and gradual physical decline are real and important challenges for us to collectively overcome, they also block us from seeing the many amazing aspects of aging.
Here’s one that the multi-billion-dollar anti-aging industry fails to teach us: Problem solving actually becomes stronger as we get older, because of the improved integration of the left and right hemispheres in our brain, because of humility, and because of so many past situations we’ve successfully navigated through.
There are few places where this matters more than in healthcare. Too often in clinical settings, older patients are diminished, or looked past, or not given the power to make their own decisions about their care, because clinicians or caregivers don’t agree with their choices. Too often after 50 we are seen as a collection of our weaknesses or disabilities, instead of our strengths.
Here are 3 action steps we can each take TODAY to reclaim aging.
- 1. Don’t put yourself down. Life is hard enough without self-criticism. When you feel a “oh crud look at those neck folds” moment come on, replace it with, “look up, look at that smile, I’m gonna use that today to lift spirits.”
- 2. Listen without a bit of hurry. Take the time to look at an older person in the eyes and listen deeply. The luxury of a long, no-agenda, deep listening is invaluable to both of you.
- 3. Stop buying ageist birthday cards. We are all for humor but these seemingly harmless cards perpetuate age shaming and self-loathing. What we expect comes to pass - so let’s expect the be.